I'm having a hard time dealing with the reality of loss right now: losing someone you love, physically losing the ability to enjoy life the way you used to, losing a sense of inner strength, etc.

I get the concept of loss just fine. Yeah, nothing is permanent, and a part of me honestly prefers it that way. But I just feel overwhelmingly tired of it, and I'm not sure how to fully accept it.

In some ways I was better off expecting little for myself, and I think I need to go back to thinking that way. No expectations, no disappointments.

I think I just need to be patient and let this one ride out organically.



 

The intensity to which I find myself in love with my boyfriend hits me every now and then.  While I still feel perhaps a bit guarded about some things, I really haven't felt this strongly about anyone in a long time. It's been almost six months, and I still get excited every time I see him. Not being able to see him for just a few days feels torturously long. It's amazing and frightening. It's a fact of my life that I can't really share with too many people.

And this past week he said something that hadn't occurred to me on a conscious level: he considers me his best friend. And then I realized that he is also mine. He is the priority on my interpersonal list, and he is the most satisfying person to be with. I missed him this weekend even though I was hanging out with my good friends who I hadn't seen in a long time.  I get little tastes of what it would be like for us to live together here and there. We both want this. In spite of some of our differences, it could really take our relationship to a whole new level of intimcay that I haven't quite experienced with anyone else.

He and I got drunk for the first time in several months. I really needed it. It felt so good  to say fuck it after so many months of discipline and hard work.  Alcohol, in spite of its many side effects, can be a magical thing. It injects one's mind and body with the experience of the fact that most of the bullshit we bother ourselves with probably isn't real. My G spot seems to like it too. Whew!

Yeah, I think I hate condoms. And being fertile. While I do have maternal instincts, a part of me really would love to be sterile. And I think that I'd like to adopt if I wanted kids. For real.

I feel little hesitation saying that he is the best thing to happen to me in a while. But I'm becoming more aware of how willingly I choose to be a pessimistic proponent of the idea that life is cruel. I know that I have so much to be grateful for, but sometimes I find it difficult to not sink into expecting a steady supply of shit to hit me. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and I wonder if something equal and opposite of his awesomeness with come to get me soon.

I shouldn't think like this, but I still do.

• I'm finally starting to see that if something doesn't exist in your mind, then it really doesn't exist at all. So basically, if there's something you don't want to happen, then you shouldn't think about it. Thinking about it only makes it more real for you. I guess I'm starting to believe in the idea of "mind over matter." I'm starting to really think that how you think affects more than just your outlook: it affects your body, your choices, and your reality. Maybe I just want to believe that this it true though.
   
• Boyfriend was telling me how he wants to stimulate ALL of my big erogenous zones simultaneously and see me turn into a pile of mush. It then occurred to me that a good portion of the joy in sex is finding someone you respect and then reducing them to a trembling, vulnerable creature who needs to pass the fuck out when it's over.
   
•  I have been a little too sober lately. Music has become more of a drug/coping mechanism. While I love hearing new music, I've been more focused on letting one or a few songs become the inspiring mantra that I vibe to throughout the day. It helps keep me going.

• Why do I find Denis Leary attractive? If you look at him objectively, he's wrinkly, pale, scrawny, and just plain funny-lookin'. The thought of seeing him naked is pretty gross. But I  still find him to be really sexy and hard to not watch. I guess there are just different types of attraction. And while I think Rescue Me is a pretty good TV show, I wouldn't call it brilliant. Yet I find it  interesting to watch Firefighters in action.

• I've recently learned that I have a bit of a fetish for Irish people: almost every guy I've been interested in or done anything with during the past year has been Irish. I guess I'm a sucker for brown hair and blue/green eyes. And, as someone who grew up in privilege I tend to romanticize working class-type jobs.

There's this guy I like. Emotionally and mentally, we totally click. Maybe better than I have ever clicked with anyone. We laugh, and I find him easy to talk to. He's polite,considerate, and not needy. He's happy with his life. We share similar goals, values, and interests. He likes me. I'm probably the first girl he's liked this much.

There's just one problem: I'm not sexually attracted to him. At all. He's decent-looking, so it's not really about looks (although he could stand to forego his skeleton-like figure). It's about the fact that I get little sexual energy from him, and  he's not very experienced. When I try imagining having the sex that I like with him (I'm into being slightly submissive), it feels ridiculous, incongruous, and a bit gross.

What an annoying dichotomy. It took me a while to learn that sexual compatibility is another strong predictor of a relationship's success, and this knowledge is making me not want to commit to him. God, I wish liking someone emotionally and mentally was enough to want to get naked with them. But I just can't force it. Maybe over a long period of time it could happen, but do I really want to spend all that time training him?

I can see us having an emotionally mature and fulfilliing relationship--if I had the sex drive of an old lady. But since I find the post-casual sex experience to be empty and depressing, I need pretty good sex as a part of a relationship.

ARGH! I keep clickling with guys whose body types I find off-putting (too chubby or too skinny). I don't need rippling abs and arms. But a decent amont of meat makes a guy look healthy. To me, healthy is fuckable. My life would be easier if I was one of those people who found fat people attractive.

But on the inside, this guy is the type of person that I wish my handsome, lean, muscular ex's were. A part of me is tired of all these goddamn mismatches. Another part of me is beyond the adolescent need to be in a relationship to feel complete.

Sigh.

I'm going to make a point to stay optimistic and calm in the face of inevitable difficulties this year.

The truth is that I'm not a big holiday person. Holidays are just widely agreed upon constructs we impose on days that bear no difference from each other. Time is the eternal blank slate that we write on. I'm trying to see every moment as a fresh beginning.

Regardless, here are some archetypical New Year's Resolutions:

1) Decrease wasteful time spent on the internet. I realize I'm kinda hypocritical to post this on the internet, but I don't want to be a compulsive e-mail/facebook/blog checker anymore. I want time spent on the internet to be fruitful and meaningful. I appreciate the internet as a resource, but I don't like being psychologically dependent on it.

2) Get back into shape. I don't need to lose weight, and vanity is not motivating this goal. I just need to tone up so it doesn't hurt when a 12 year old playfully smacks me.

3) Maintain momentum with socializing. I need a regular supply of interpersonal interaction, even if a part of me would like to be a hermit. I need to stay on the ball with making and following through on plans with the awesome people I know. It's simply better for my health.

4) Be more mindful while eating and driving.I don't want to get in a car crash because I was trying to find a radio station that was playing good music. And I don't want to mindlessly eat while being distracted by a screen or song.

5) Make a point to sit quietly in a room alone everyday. Silence is very important to me. It makes sense to me in a way that I find difficult to articulate. It resonates with my desire for inner stillness, and it exercises my listening mind muscles. So I want to increase the time I spend listening to the silence.

6) Think of my own death everyday. Nothing is more motivating or humbling than the fact that I will be obliterated.

7) Be grateful for what I have. I am a lucky person. I have a lot to be grateful for. And I need to remember that as mch as possible.

Here are some super powers that I sometimes wish I had:

A rewind-only remote control to life. I don't want to be able to see the future; that ruins the surprise that is life. But sometimes it'd be nice to go back in time with the insights gained from hindsight.

A bigotry zapper. How sweet would it be to be able to untie the bigoted knots in others' heads with a zap? It'd be worth the lack of sweat, heartbreak, death, and toil in my humble opinion.

A people mix-and-matcher. Have you ever wished you could splice together characteristics from different ex's to create the ideal boyfriend/girlfriend? While I am all for loving people for their flaws, it would make social and romantic interactions less frustrating.

And, to be deriviative, Dr. Manhattan (Watchmen), Storm (X-Men), and Mystique (X-Men) all have cool powers.

But would life be more enjoyable if it became easier? I somehow suspect not.

Sometimes I think that happiness is mutually exclusive with growth. If you're happy, then you become complacent, and less is forcing you to change, adapt, learn, etc. While this makes sense, I also think that happiness is an accomplishment and a sign of growth.

It first depends on how one defines happiness. I see happiness as an internal, constant haven. It is independent of external circumstances (although extreme events can understandably weaken it). If you can be happy with who you are, not worry about other people's standards, and feel content even if things are shitty, then I'd say that's an accomplishment. An accomplishment founded on strength.

Especially since the media inundates us with messages saying that we can't be happy without a nice job, body, house, romantic partner,etc.

And for the record, I don't think desires are bad. They're only bad when they completely prevent you from appreciating what you have in the present.

Remember that scene in Fight Club when Brad Pitt lets the fat guy beat the shit out of him? I forget his name. Brad keeps encouraging him to let it out, so the guy turns Brad’s face into a dripping coat of blood.

Then Brad grabs the guy, shakes his head, and gets his own blood all over him. It’s gross and hilarious.

That’s kind of how I feel when I take the time to listen to people who aren’t always aware of how much time they spend venting. When it’s someone I care about, I more than happy to let them talk. I attentively nod my head/ say,”Mm hm,” and address the specifics of what they say by mirroring or giving feedback. I try not to judge until I’ve heard it all.

And it’s not some forced, mechanical response; it’s usually genuine. My inner sub is willing to express itself. Go ahead, baby. Take it out on me.

However, if you can’t return the favor, then I want to rub all of the blood you punched out of me all over your face until you choke on it.

And I usually don’t like to be the center of attention. Half the time I feel guilty and self-indulgent when I vent. And I feel like the selfish pricks who just wait for their turn to speak somehow sense this and use it to keep the window of my reality on minimize while they expand the window of their reality to fill up the entire desktop.

Most of my friends are awesome, and I feel lucky to know them. But I do keep mental notes on those whom I’ve taken one too many hits from…